Just When You Thought You've Figured It Out...

Just when everyone is either engaged, married and having kids, here I am turning 35 and going through another heartbreak. 

After 34 years I thought I've figured it all out, how to assess which guys are worth harvesting emotions for and which ones you clearly have to stay away from. After so many failed dates and relationships, I thought my heart was wiser or that my mind would somehow rule over my emotions but I guess I just never learn. I always give the perfect advice to so many people but I can't manage to apply a single one of them.

At this age, I still get fooled by those who mask themselves with transparency, decency and good intentions. It may have just been a couple of dates or meet-ups but you can't question it's validity for feeling things. I always believed in quality over quantity. It's not how many times you've spent with that person but how it is spent regardless of how few it has been. Some people will say, "it hasn't been a month so stop acting that way." But our heart doesn't work that way. It just caughts you off guard and sadly it doesn't choose if it's the wrong or right person for you...it just does. 

And the sad part is, you can't just unfeel things in an instant. You just don't get over someone that easily....well in my case not. I value relationships, moments and connections and it's not something I can quickly get over with. You see, connections are so hard to find, that's why once you do you hold on to it and hope that it leads to something romantic.

But apparently not all great connections ends up happily just like the ones we see in the movies or we read in those romantic novels. Sometimes it's just not enough. Even how great the chemistry is and how attracted one is to you, it won't still merit a relationship. That is what just happened in my case..and up to now I am still figuring out the why's.

Is it really that hard to find that kind of love? A love that chooses you inspite and despite of your flaws, craziness and shortcomings. A love that goes beyond sexual desires and wanting you emotionally and all that you are. A love that will never make you feel too much or too less, just enough for them to want you. You may not be "the she's all that" type of girl, but you are in their eyes. A love so real that they don't run away feeling scared or pressured when things get serious.

Am starting to feel maybe this isn't for me. Maybe relationships are not my thing cause nothing seems to work-out my way. That for so many years I have still remained single and haven't found someone who's worthy enough to change that. Well I thought I have, but as usual I was wrong all along. Most guys that I've dated are the ones I didn't like or has no possible chance that I may develop feelings for. And those that I do, well they're just the temporary kind of guy rather the long term ones.

Do I still hope or do I give up and just accept singlehood for life? I'm not saying I'm not happy being alone or that I'm not contented in it. It's okay to be single and there's nothing wrong with that or something you should feel bad for. But sometimes it still crosses my mind how life would be more happy having someone by my side. Someone who you know will be your partner for life in this crazy but wonderful life. Someone that feels like the movies you've seen or the books you read. 

I don't wanna put my heart on the line again and just end up getting disappointed. I think I'm too old for those games and ploys men do these days. I want sincerity, transparency and consistency. Someone who's just as tired of getting it wrong as I am. Someone who can live without you but chooses not to. Someone who isn't afraid to show his affection and would actually walk the talk. Someone who does everything to keep you cause they know you were the one the moment they met you. I know I deserve all that---WE deserve all that.

Am I just being a hopeless romantic or just hopeless in this case? Is there really someone out there for me? Should I still wanna find out or should I just accept it isn't for me?


XOXO,

Singlesuzzie